


Push and Pull

by anti60ne



Category: EXO (Band), f(x)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama & Romance, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-07 20:13:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10368513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anti60ne/pseuds/anti60ne





	1. The Ghosts of the Past

It started with one bad decision.

At least bad in retrospect.

Six months too late.

\--

Krystal liked her coffee with hazelnut creamer, no sugar. She believed that the flavored creamer was the perfect combination of cream and sugar, anyway, so he stuck by that, buying the same thing, the same brand, over and over. Jongin couldn't understand it, thought it was weird, thought _s_ _he_  was weird, but Krystal never really cared for Jongin's opinion, anyway. Not when it came to coffee creamers or the pattern of her pajama pants or that she had an inexplicable phobia of stationary bikes.

Krystal did care, however, for what Jongin thought about her mood. What soured it, what brightened it, what lead it astray to a grey zone the existence of which she could not explain.

\--

"So I had to ask this." They were walking toward the West Village now, having crossed five long blocks of avenues. Krystal's soles were beginning to feel sore. She could dance for hours on end but could not walk in her Vans for more than 30 minutes. Jongin, on the other hand, was a walker. He could walk for miles like breathing air.

"What." Krystal replied without turning her head. She felt Jongin cast her a glance.

"The other day I saw on your iPad that you had a tab open on euthanasia..."

Krystal's heart skipped a beat, but she kept walking. Faster, now, as if she was trying to run away from the question that wasn't really a question.

"Oh" was all she said. All she could manage to say.

"What was that about?" Jongin asked.

"Nothing. I was just curious about it," she muttered under frosted breath, suddenly noticing that it was colder than she'd felt just seconds ago.

"There has to be a reason why you were thinking about it." He was relentless. Krystal was dreading her own answers; she sucked at lying.

"I wasn't thinking--okay. Fine." She paused to gather herself, measuring her words while they were forming inside her mouth. "Sometimes I feel like I'd be better off if I were, you know, gone." She squeezed her eyes together, internally cringing at what she just said. She didn't want to turn to look at Jongin's face.

He was quiet and for a moment, it was just the sound of their shoes softly hitting the pavement. Jongin was always hard to read, and when Krystal finally stole a look at the side of his face, he was looking straight ahead, his expression impossible to parse. Krystal twisted her head and faced ahead, her eyes casting downward, staring at the grimes of the New York City streets.

"I don't want to pry or anything but, like, honestly, I would be sad if you were gone."

Krystal tried very hard not to whip her head around, or to fix her wide eyes on Jongin. She felt like she was supposed to retort, hit him back with a snarky comment like she always did, but she came up short.

"Because," Jongin continued, "like, you're cool to hang with. And it kind of makes me sad that you don't see that."

It wasn't hours later, when Krystal was back in her apartment, that she replayed what Jongin said and groaned, scrunching up her face in dismay. She wish he hadn't said that, or at least put his sentiments in that way. It would make it much harder to get over him.

\--

It had been 4 months since their first date, and it had been 3 months and 25 days since they first had sex. Not that Krystal was counting. But still - at this stage, it should have been clear whether they were a couple or not. But she was still confused, and she debated every day whether to bring it up with Jongin. Jongin, on the other hand, never said anything to the effect of official coupling. And Krystal was not the confrontational type -- technically, it wouldn't be a confrontation, just a difficult conversation, but all the same to her -- so she decided to assume the worst. That he didn't want to be with her, not in that way. So she was going to get over him and move on. She told herself that she would stop seeing him, or at least pull back, gradually reducing the amount of attention he would get from her.

She was waiting for the right time. The right moment to walk away completely.

\--

"Did you find a place yet?" Krystal asked, shaking her coffee with light flicks of her wrist. Jongin had told her that his lease was going to be up at the end of the month. It was the middle of April already, and Jongin hadn't mentioned anything about moving.

"I'm still looking," Jongin said without looking at her. His eyes were fixed on the blueberry donut in front of him. Krystal knew he loved donuts, but she could tell by the way his face was strained that he didn't want to talk about it. She tried not to sigh or shake her head. He was such a procrastinator. _Maybe he was just a commitment-phobe_ , Krystal thought. And something hit her.

"Are you still thinking about going somewhere else?" Jongin quickly glanced at her. "Leaving New York?"

Jongin put his donut down on a napkin, his fingers still on it.

"I mean," he started, but his words seemed to escape him and melt away into the vapor of her coffee. Then he tried again. "Yeah, I guess I'm still thinking about it. Because it's so expensive here and I feel like I could do so much more with much less elsewhere like, I don't know, Brazil."

"Brazil." Krystal wasn't incredulous. She was terrified. She'd thought if he were to leave New York, it would be to a different state. She hadn't expected to hear the name of a whole different country.

"Yeah. I could probably still work remotely, and I could practice jit jitsu with much better people." He added, "Maybe make it into a real thing."

Krystal was quiet. The idea sounded absurd to her at first, but then she became envious as her thoughts brewed. It wasn't impossible; in fact, it sounded like something she had always wanted to do: go away to somewhere far, someplace exotic, and immerse herself in a hobby. Writing about food, perhaps. She wished she knew. She wished she even allowed herself to entertain a thought like that, as he was now.

Jongin raised his eyes to her when she failed to comment. She was looking down at her hands, but she could feel his eyes on her. Expectant, as if he was seeking her approval. But then again why would he? He had always done whatever he wanted, like taking her heart and leaving it lying on the ground, cold and neglected. She frowned, her chest tightening.

"Okay," she said finally.

"Okay?"

"I mean, I don't know. Do whatever you want." Her words surprised even herself. She hadn't wanted to sound spiteful, but it came out that way. She could feel something rising from within Jongin. He sighed.

"I--" He paused, sighed again. "I don't know why you're upset."

"I'm not upset." The denial only made her tone sharper, and she couldn't help it. "I just thought..." She took a deep breath. "I don't think it's fair that you could say stuff like _you're mine_  and then tell me you're moving to a different country."

There it was. Finally. Krystal was both relieved and mortified that she'd voiced what she had been thinking for the past two months. She waited, painstakingly, for him to come around and tell her what she wanted him to say: I'm just thinking about it, it doesn't mean I'll actually do it.

"But why is that even relevant?" Jongin asked, and her heart sank, because he genuinely sounded like he didn't know. "I mean, we're just hanging out."

Just hanging out. After 6 months, they were "just hanging out." Krystal felt heat in her ears, and her mouth opened without her command.

"We're just hanging out? Are you serious? Do you realize how long we've been seeing each other?"

Jongin looked at her with a mix of surprise and confusion. Krystal wanted to stare back, but found that she couldn't do it. She couldn't deal with the confusion on his face, because that made it all the more hurtful that he was never on the same page as her. That all this time, she had thought she meant more to him than she did, but it was all just in her head. She huffed and cast her eyes sideway, glaring at the pastry display next to her instead.

Silence hung in the air between them. Not the kind she liked. So she continued, without second thoughts to what was coming out of her mouth.

"I mean, are you seeing anyone else? Have you?"

"No." The answer came quickly and for some reason, she believed him.

"So we're exclusive. We've been 'hanging out' for like, over 6 months. Are we not in a relationship?" The air quotes and the word _relationship_ hurt her, but she pressed on.

He was quiet for a moment. Krystal waited. She'd been waiting for 6 months, what was a few minutes more?

"Honestly, I don't think I'm in the right place to be in a relationship." She noticed his avoidance of using the word _commitment_. He didn't want to commit even to using that word. "I don't know if I'll stick around long enough and that's just not my priority right now."

She was about to say You could've told me that 6 months ago, but bit her tongue. What was the point? What was the point even to this conversation that she wanted to pretend never taken place? She shut her eyes and swallowed anger, disappointment clawing the back of her throat.

"Okay," she said finally. "Then I guess I'm free to see other people."

Jongin shook his head. "Do what you want, Krystal."

The irk in his demeanor made her anger flare up again, and she got up from her seat.

"I have to go," she muttered as she turned around to leave.

He didn't stop her.

 

 


	2. "Maybe He Missed You, Too."

Krystal didn't believe in fate; only coincidence. But when she ran into Jongin at the City of Saints, she had a fleeting thought that maybe, perhaps, fate existed. It was an awkward encounter just like any other where you caught each other's eyes and for a brief second toyed with the idea of pretending you didn't see each other, but soon gave up for the absurdity of it and knowing that you had to face each other eventually. And that eventuality was now.

Jongin froze when their eyes met. The line in front of Krystal shortened, and she had no choice but to move up, reducing the distance between them. Krystal wondered what he was doing in her neighborhood; or still in New York City, for that matter. She thought he would've gone on his next adventure already.

He looked darker, as if he'd spent time at the beach, surfing, maybe. She felt something foreign when she looked into his eyes. It was like seeing the ghosts of the past. Their past.

"Hey," Jongin said before she could open her mouth. They stood awkwardly, Jongin facing the door and she away from it. Krystal was distracted by the line in front of her, inching toward the cash register.

"Hey," she replied, then came up short. Her eyes flitted away from his face and toward the menu on the wall. She still didn't know what to get. A regular coffee? Cold brew? Latte?

"Their cold brew is pretty good." Jongin's voice brought her back to the moment between them. She raised her eyes to him, then down at his coffee. He didn't get a cold brew. She hesitated.

"Cool." She didn't know what else to say. There was only one more person in front of her in line. She could feel her armpits start to sweat, and she was already in a tank top. She crossed her arms across her chest, one hand gripping the side of her tote bag.

"Well, I gotta go," Jongin said as he glanced past her. She almost let out a sigh of relief. "It was good seeing you." Then he opened his arms. She widened her eyes in surprise, her arms automatically opening up, but only halfway because she didn't see this coming, and was taken aback. He hugged her lightly, as if mindful of the inches between their chests, and she caught a whiff of his scent. She closed her eyes, regretting this moment which she had no control over.

Then he let go, and without a word, he walked off, leaving Krystal staring at the space which he occupied a second earlier.

"Miss? What would you like?"

Krystal snapped her head toward the voice. The barista behind the cash register was waiting for her, a tired smile on his face. Krystal stared blankly at the space between her and the cash register before pulling her together and stepping forward.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "Um, a cold brew please." She bit her tongue, but it was too late. She hadn't wanted to take Jongin's suggestion and order a cold brew. She could have done with an iced coffee.

"Sure, coming right up."

Krystal reached inside her bag for her wallet, then stood watching the barista pour the cold brew into a cup. Then and there, she noticed her heart had been drumming against her chest, and her ears felt hotter than when she had been walking in the boiling heat outside.

Jongin's scent still lingered around her. As she sat down in the cafe and sipped her cold brew, she kept replaying that moment when Jongin hugged her, questioning everything she had convinced herself to believe since she left Jongin that day at Cafe Mocha.   
  
\--

"I ran into Jongin the other day."

Amber stopped in mid-bite and widened her eyes. She put down her fork and wiped her mouth on a napkin.

"Where? When? What did you--did you guys talk?"

"At this coffee shop in Bushwick, like last Saturday." Krystal took a sip of her iced coffee. "Yeah we talked. A little. Just said hey and then he recommended the cold brew."

She could still taste the bitter, slightly sour aftertaste of that cold brew. Not much different from the taste of disappointment that she had a month ago, walking out of Cafe Mocha.

"That's it?"

"Well, yeah. I had nothing to say to him."

It wasn't true. Krystal had a lot to say to Jongin, it was just that none could have been strung together into coherent sentences. Words that would make sense to Jongin. She knew it didn't matter what she said; he would never get it. Get her.

"Hmm." Amber cut into her chocolate vegan muffin and took another bite. "How did you feel? How are you feeling? Seeing him again."

Krystal picked up her coffee and took a sip, chewing the top of the straw. "I don't know. It was weird seeing him again. I thought he had left the city already, since that's what he told me."

"I guess he decided to stay."

For a brief moment, Krystal wondered if he had stayed because of her. Then she frowned, shaking away the thought. That couldn't have been. She didn't mean that much to him.

"Yeah, I guess so." Krystal took a breath to gather her thoughts, the words that had been sitting heavy inside her head, waiting to be let out. "To be honest, I kind of miss him. And it didn't help that he hugged me before he went on his way."

"He hugged you? At the coffee shop?" Amber sounded surprised, and three folds interested.

"Yeah. It was a little awkward. I didn't expect him to open his arms but when he did, I kind of did too without thinking. And... yeah."

"Maybe he missed you, too."

Krystal shook her head. "I think he was just trying to be friendly. Or to not make it seem as awkward as it already was."

"But he didn't have to hug you."

"True." Krystal fell into silence, her eyes wandering out the window of the cafe. She started to regret having told Amber, who now put this thought in her head that maybe Jongin did miss her, and that was why he hugged her. She really didn't need thoughts like that, muddling with her resolve to get over him.

But it was too late. The seed had already been planted, and the thought grew at a monstrous speed, eating up the space of Krystal's mind.

\--

Two days after the run-in, Jongin texted Krystal. It was an ordinary message: _Hey, it was good seeing you the other day. We should catch up soon_ :)

Krystal despised the smiley face, frowned when she saw it. Why? She asked. Why was he trying to be friendly now, after a month of nothing save for past memories and the sour taste left behind when Krystal walked away that day. She had thought there was nothing left to salvage, but that hug, damn that hug. It gave her hope. It ignited something she didn't know was there, the tiny sparks in the corner of her heart.

So she replied to his text. Even after time and time again she told herself she wouldn't, she did anyway. She would be lying if she said she didn't miss him. And she was never good at lying.

After a few days of texting, Krystal agreed to meet Jongin at a dive bar in Lower East Side. She looked up the place on Yelp beforehand so she would know what to expect, so she wouldn't be caught off-guard by the things and people around her. Jongin alone was enough to set her senses on overdrive, her mind milling about like a hamster on a training wheel.

Jongin asked how she had been, how was work, was she still dancing. It took a little while for Krystal to open up again, but the alcohol helped, and Jongin's charm reeled her in just like the first time they met. She found herself staring into the crinkles of his laughing eyes, his kissable lips, the smooth expanse of his tan skin that glowed under the summer sun, and she became undone.

So they met again after that. And again. Weeks passed, and when Krystal said yes when he invited her over one day, she only felt a little guilty--she was turning back on her old self, the Krystal that was hurt two months ago, but she wanted Jongin now. She told herself she deserved to be happy, to go after what she wanted. So when she stepped inside Jongin's apartment for the first time--he hadn't even let her into his old place when they were dating before--her heart was caught at the top of her throat, adrenaline coursing through her veins. A voice at the back of her mind told her she was making a mistake, but she ignored it--once when he pulled her into his room and immediately his mouth was on hers, and again when he unbuttoned her top and pulled it off of her, his lips nibbling on her neck. The sound of her moans, growing louder and louder, eventually drowned the voice of reason. Nothing mattered when Jongin's tongue roamed inside her mouth, when his hands lit fire to her skin, when he thrust into her and the sensation of her being stretched out was so familiar it tugged somewhere inside her heaving chest.

Nothing mattered. She couldn't think any longer, the feeling of Jongin on top of her, next to her, inside her, all around her overpowered all of her senses. All she could do was feel, and embrace all that she felt.

 

 


End file.
